Still Breathing

Life just gets more and more insane…but then again, so do I. I’m teetering on the edge of a full on nervous breakdown but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just out of the hospital yesterday with news that I’m losing ground in my fight against cancer.

*sigh*

At least I’m still breathing and my heart is still beating. So, for those who have been kind enough to check in, this one’s for you.

God, Please Take Me Now

If I weren’t such a coward I would commit suicide and be done with it. The pain of my heart breaking, of the realization that I have lost the man I love is far worse than the pain from chemo and radiation or cancer. Seeing the indifference in his gaze and hearing the hatred in his voice is more than I can handle right now.

I don’t know what else to say or do. He won’t leave and he won’t kick me out and I keep holding on. I keep praying and hoping that somewhere in the night he will remember all the promises he made. I can’t sleep and I can’t stop throwing up. Nothing makes me stop crying.

I’ve finally gone off the deep end. Once and for all; for the man I love. Finally I’m at the end of my rapidly fraying rope only to realize that I am in the middle of a free fall the likes of which my body and soul have ever known.

I pray that God takes me tonight before the pain is any worse.

Fragile

I keep fighting. I keep hoping beyond all hope that we will make it through yet another storm. I live in full armor with my verbal weapons at the ready without knowing exactly when I became battle ready in the first place. And I cry like I have never cried before.

Some days I can bite my tongue, fix his dinner, refill his glass and suck his cock without letting ont hat I’m dying inside. Other days I can’t even look at him without begging and screaming like a madwoman for him to stop putting me down for just one tiny second and hear me out for a change. I am starving for the nourishment that he fed me for so long early on in our relationship, so much so that nothing else matters.

I honestly believe that at this point we’ve crossed from a love so pure and true to a love that is so vile and toxic that no one should be exposed to it. I believe with my entire being that we’ve crossed the point of no return. My heart races and I’m nauseous, but now it’s because the precious thing I fought so hard to protect has shattered into a million pieces, never to be put back together again and God help me but I don’t know what to do.

OMG..NKOTB is BACK!!!!

I have just died and gone to heaven. New Kids on The Block are BACK! Woohoooooo! So I’m 31 and it’s been years since they were my favorite group but seriously…NKOTB! Tell me you guys are as excited as I am…come on, tell me!

I can’t wait to see them in concert. Only this time, I’ll be taking my girls. How cool is that?! Today, I’m a very happy girl.

Real Life Intervenes

So much has been happening, a million things going on and I feel as if I have been lost in the shuffle. I hate that feeling. I hate thinking that someone has forgotten me or that I have forgotten someone. So instead of focusing on that, I’ve focused outside of myself.

Mt grandmother is sick. She is valiantly fighting old age and children who want her in a nursing home to stay with my mother who keeps her safe and takes care of her. I hadn’t seen her in over a year and last night when I went in to let her know I’d arrived safely, it hit me so incredibly hard. She isn’t the same woman who taught me to cook and wash dishes and do laundry. She isn’t the same woman who used to sneak us sandwiches when we got in late from Virginia.

She was frail and her skin was sallow. Her eyes lit up when she saw me, so I knew that somewhere inside there was a spark of something. I didn’t cry in front of her, but I lay beside her and kissed her forehead and told her that I loved her immensely. I think we both needed that moment. We needed it for two entirely different reasons, but we still needed it.

Before I left to return home I was able to talk to her about a few things we needed to do to keep her in tip top shape, in excellent condition and she has agreed to give it a shot. So, that’s something. She smiled and seemed genuinely pleased that I cared enough to sit down and figure out a plan of care with my mom. That made me happier than I’ve been in a long time.

So many other things to report, but so little time. I’ll try to make time this week. Just know that I love each of you and I think of you fondly.

For my Grandmother; so brave and so strong…an eagle when she flies. I love you, Grandma.

Bleeding Love

Powerful video. Powerful song.

Why Are You Here?

Tell me why you’re here. What drives you here day after day, time after time? Stop sneaking around, trying to hide the fact that you visit. Just STOP! You have the life you want with the man you want, so go live it. Leave me to mine.

What is to be gained by coming here? You weren’t invited and you’re certainly not welcome. You don’t have to be told. You know it without anything being said. So leave quietly and never ever come back. Surely the knowledge of the heartache and pain you have caused is enough to keep you warm when nothing else ever will.

More than you or anyone else will ever know, I have finally seen the error of my ways. I don’t mention you or him or anything even related. I can do without your additions to my misery. Trust me, I have plenty of my own with you heaping it on. Everyone makes mistakes and though there are two sides to every story, you only hear one anyway, so why come here?

I am tired of fighting. I am sick to death tired of the bullshit and drama. I’m not in high school anymore and I didn’t steal your boyfriend. Whatever issues you have, please sort them out in your own backyard and leave mine alone.

This is the last time that I’m going to say anything. The fact is, it’s stalking, pure and simple. It has gone on for far too long, but no more. This is it. This is where it stops, this is where it ends.

So don’t go away mad, just go away.

Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me

For all that I’ve written over the last three years, sometimes I think I’m still really not as out there as I lead myself and others to believe. For all the honesty and confessions, there are things that I live with every single day that very few people, if any, know about.

Sometimes I am resentful, not grateful. I resent having to get up when I’d rather not. I resent not being with my children every single day but I’m with his. I resent blowing him when he refuses to go down on me because it’s “just not his thing”. I resent having to learn to touch myself all over again because he doesn’t meet my needs. And I resent that I gave up so much to be here.

I am always feeling guilty. I feel guilty for standing up for myself. I feel guilty for the things I think and feel. I feel guilty for asking him for anything that requires his time and attention, not his money. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

Every day I wake up thoroughly convinced that we can make it, that no matter what happens we *will* be ok. Every night I go to bed convinced that I was so wrong- about him, about us, and about this life we pretend to lead together. Every night I pray for the strength to not hope that cancer takes over because it would be easiest, it would be for the best, because dying would be easier than facing the fact that one day I’ll probably have to live without the one man I love more than life itself.

I’m not a strong person. I used to be but I’m not anymore. I don’t know where I lost my strength, my hope, or myself, but I pray that I find them soon. Before it’s too late.

Can’t We Try

Another night alone, another argument over God-only-knows-what. One more person in between us, one more issue that is left unresolved. Another box of Kleenex and another episode or two of Grey’s Anatomy alone in our darkened office.

I don’t doubt that we love one another. I don’t doubt that this is where we belong. But is love supposed to be this hard? Shouldn’t it be more simple, more black and white with little grey? I used to think that love was enough, the answer to any question. Now, I honestly don’t know. All I see is the chasm growing day by day, the loveless nights taking over; all I see is neither of us reaching out anymore.

And I just have to wonder…

Can’t we try?

Yes We Can

Though my parents don’t get it and their friends will never understand, I’ve found a place to place hope for my childrens futures. A place for those without insurance, a place for those who have done so much for their country without having their country give anything back. That place is in the White House in 2008 with Barrack Obama.

Yes we can.

Hope. Act. Change.

Hear and see it here.